Life, Mental Wealth

JULY GOALS

CreativeMess

The Backstory

This month was supposed to be the month of goal accomplishment. I made them at the end of last month and revised them a bit at the beginning of this month. The reason being, I want to be more than just someone who talks about things with no action to follow. My goal ultimately is to grow past thoughts and dreams and become more actionable. I also knew how hard this month was going to be and I wanted to push past my pain and have something to show for it. So here are the goals I had. 

Goals Made

  1. Start counseling. 
  2. Full (front back) split.
  3. 4 completed sewing projects.
  4. Revert back to eating to live. 
  5. Establish a self care plan.

Goal Results

  1. When I thought I’d be able to afford to rearrange my schedule to finally be able to start grief counseling my efforts were thwarted by my insurance provider. This plan is new and they dropped the ball on some things and I refused to put more stress on my mind or wallet in hopes of things working out.I’ve waited this long because I’ve been afraid and not ready. I’m not sure I’m ready now but the alternative isn’t an option. It hasn’t officially fixed itself so I’m still unfortunately not in therapy.  It be like that sometimes. 
  2. I have been trying to maintain my level of athleticism throughout the month. However, my mental health took a turn for the worst and I took a week and some change off of aerial. I escaped anything other than what was mandatory for me so I could find a way to revive myself. I’m at a plateau now. It be like that too. 
  3. I really tried. I made a skirt and blanket the month before and figured I could make some things for my little one this month since I was getting back into the swing of things. Tried to make leggings, a pair of shorts, a plushy and a tank top for myself.Honestly it was all a wash. My daughter had grown so much in the 2 weeks I had taken her measurements that the shorts & leggings I started were too small. My sewing machine ate the other projects. Nothing was successful and honestly… it was frustrating but that’s life. 
  4. I started getting really relaxed in my diet. There wasn’t enough balance and I started to feel it. It was okay towards the beginning of the month but then a week or so in my mind took over and not only was I not eating well I can honestly say I wasn’t eating enough. The hard part about food for me is that I enjoy every aspect of food. Cooking, serving, sharing. I enjoy it. My mind however made a point of letting me know this was not the time for me to be evenly yolked. I regressed into old habits and as the month crept closer, I was eating less. Meals were obsolete and it became more about treating myself to regularly eating. The struggle has been real.
  5. The plan for getting in tune with my self care was that I would add things to my checklist as I figured out what actually helped. What I realized is that even when I tried to take care of myself nothing worked. I tried music, food, sleep and eventually I just gave up and gave in. Giving in to every emotion, weighted feeling and decided to ride out the wave of the depression. I did my best and in the end I made it. So regardless of how much I failed at trying, I succeeded in survival. That’s all that matters really. 

The “why?”

This particular month was me trying to distract myself from the unavoidable. My son’s birthday, the second one he’s been gone for, would inevitably approach and pass. My hope was having things to look back on that I had accomplished. That way when July 29th came, I could feel however I needed to that day without having the overwhelming burden of insufficient progress on my mind as well. As you can see, that didn’t happen. 

What I did find was a new podcast “Levar Burton Reads”. I also managed to write more this month than any month prior and even though it was begrudgingly, I still managed not to waste the fragile state I was in. Fragility and vulnerability often come hand in hand, so I used it to explore what I was feeling down to my bones. 

The last day of July crept in and I’m not necessarily over the hump but I’m not at the peak like I was. I’m trying to regain control and instead of starting over, I’m trying to pick up where I left off. 

How about you? How’d your month go?